Weight: 129lbs (9 stone 3lbs)
This week has gone rather sideways, and I’ve just today realised why. I thought it was because I was back at home with the parents, getting bored and slowly slipping back into old ways- comfort eating, feeling guilty, eating some more…
This evening, upon realising that I really REALLY don’t want to go out for my long overdue fartlek training, and then coming to the understanding that if I DON’T then I will probably console myself with eating something, it suddenly came to me that what I’d quite enjoy is just…a run. A nice, untimed, no pressure jog. The kind I enjoy and are the reason I run at all.
This is the problem with my motivation: I am no good at doing things purely for ENJOYMENT. Living in a ski bum world I have often felt frustrated; not being able to grasp why I can’t keep myself entertained just skiing around all day everyday and loving every moment as the people around me do. It wasn’t until this winter that I ever considered myself ‘goal oriented’. It was quite the revelation. If there is no goal- no tangible achievement glimmering in the distance, I just cannot get myself going. Unfortunately, by setting myself goals, I very very often psyche myself out; my self doubt gets the better of me and I lose all enthusiasm of what I begin to perceive as an unobtainable outcome. The funniest thing is, the more enthusiastic I am initially, the more I get carried away in the planning and the more I intimidate myself. 8 weeks hard training being a case in point.
It would seem that even I must sometimes step back from the plan and do something because I truly WANT to. Its important to remember that my goals and plans are a means to an end, they are a way to motivate me to enjoy the things I do MORE and to keep me doing them. If the plan begins to fill me with fear, and each session with dread of failure then the plan is worthless. If the plan stops me from enjoying my sport then it is the plan that is failing, and not me.
I have no wish to give up, I just need to ease up- to take the time to remember that I do these things because they are FUN, not because if I don’t, then I will have failed. And so it is time to learn the art of balance and moderation. On that note, I am going for a run- no pressure, no distance, no goal- just a run.